It's Fall with Winter vibes/Do Christmas Wishes Come True...

It's like I have so much to tell you, but at the same time I'm tryna find the words I want to share with you. It's like days when I go quiet, you want to talk and then their days when you go quiet, I want to talk. In the midst of us being quiet, are one of us listening? "How you wanna make demands when you don't even have no goals?" Yeah, Summer told. 

These Coco Thoughts always have me thinking it's something hot between us, and the truth is it's colder than Lake Erie in 18 degrees. Whether you decide you want to jump these bones, it's up to you. For goodness' sake, who am I talking to ... I just met you, I told you to be careful with those bee words like calling me boo. Baby, you never, never met a woman who takes care of you as if I'm America bringing home my troops. 

These Coco Thoughts got me ready too Spring on you. (See what I did there.) Sliding down the wall with my back against because why do I have to keep convincing you I'm yours? 

Meanwhile, knowing me is still out of reach— so how does convincing even begin? 

Make some room. I’ll let my emotions lead the way, so the movement becomes visible.

See, this Coco is special. I like it just the way it is, and if you want to get all extras, that's fine with me too. Okay, maybe some extra marshmallows, whipped cream, and how about a cinnamon stick or two? Perfect. 

I want a love story where I meet another African American Queer woman, whom I prefer Mascs at a Library on a random day in NYC. I go to the study room for a quiet spot to read or write. She spots me before I spot her. When she looks down at her book, I happen to look up at her. I play it off as if I'm looking away because I want us to lock eyes, only thing is we both shy, however, someone's going to make the first move. I just don't want it to be me. So come over and ask me what I'm reading, and I'll tell you it's our save the date. 

Just in the moment

 Sometimes I wonder why I'm anxious about things that I know I'm already going to do. For example, if I'm planning a trip, I get all of my expenses together, and next thing you know, Boom! A withdrawal from your account that's for your trip happens. Why, for a split second, did I want to cancel it? Like, oh my goodness, they weren't supposed to take all of it! How dare they? Help me remember it's energy, literally everything I put my energy into it's going to come back to me. I just don't like how I be so bent about it. It feels like I have to talk myself down from a cliff, "You spend it and it will be the last time you see it." 

That's a lie, literally. I was getting my nails done today, and I was talking to my nail tech, talking about school and whatnot, and she said that her son said, " I'm scared of being poor." Which is a valid fear. I'm scared of being poor, too. I don't want to be without the things I need. I don't want the fear of running out to rule everything I do. 

That sounds like a stressful way to live right?! 

I step out of my own way and ask my higher power if I'm being hard on myself; my usual answer is yes. That striving for perfection really be tearing my ass up, but being gentle and having discipline is so manageable. Stuck in a culture that makes you feel like you aren't doing enough is so exhausting and depressing. My mom reminds me how well I'm doing, but even with the nice and true words she tells me. What am I waiting for in that moment? 

What is this transition I'm waiting for? HEY, MONEY, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

Did shouting it feel good?! A little bit? Good. Just Breathe and Slow Down. 

You doing good Blessy. 

 

I want to create a storm w/ you.

If you're reading this, you're curious how I'm making this storm, so sit back and relax. 

The location I met you, let's say it's at the library for me, and maybe for you it's the coffee shop, the oral office (get the punch line), or a damn hotel room, whatever. 

I met you in a library, at first we didn't notice each other, honestly it was a regular day for you and a curious one for me. I've never seen this library before. 

So I'm going through these aisles and I saw you and I knew you caught my eye, what was I gonna do to get you to notice me.. Walking up to is to easy and I want to be dramatic- is that your fragrance I'm smelling? 

Mmh, I bump into you and said sorry, we're talking good as things are getting hot, not too much to start a fire, so we cool down and felt the breeze of every last word we said to each other. 

We separated for a minute or two longer, things started to cooler, so I said If you don't mind me being forward, I want to create a storm with you. 

I want you to be my boo even if it's just for a day or two. Let's start a fake argument to get our temps higher, let's kiss in the rain so we can be wetter, then let's throw these wet clothes off so we can get drier by the fire. 

Passion is in the room with us-it's inseparable. Keep fxcking me til I say you're done, and then we're not done because I'm fxcking you too. For the consent of our safety, let's double-check our list. 

Safety word. Check. Rainboots. Check. Raincoats. Check. Goggles. Hell yeah. 

Boo, you scared me.

 Halloween is just as scary as love if you ask me. Think about it, you go along this time enjoying life, and you think to yourself something is missing, maybe it's a dog, maybe it's a new kitchen appliance, and the whole time it's not something, it's someone. We start doing things together, and it's fun because we're building a friendship. Something shifts, though, for me. I started developing a feeling where I want to pick up the second you call my phone. I want to be available every time you want to hang out with me. I love the low-key urge of you just wanting to annoy me, wanting to waste time with me. 

The scary part is that I know it's just my side of the story, and that it might not be the same for you. 

I'm not your girlfriend. You're not dating me, and I'm not dating you; you've already made that very clear. 

I can't set aside these feelings for you as if it's easy to walk away from. I can't show you how I feel because someone has already gotten your attention in that way. Someone has already gotten your heart in that way. Someone has already opened your love, and I don't want to kill for your love. 

The only common factor between her and me is you ... 

My love isn't scary, and it isn't something that should be hidden away and never see the light of day. It's special, it's gentle, it's calming, it's soft, and it can be loud like a scream. I thought this was manageable before, but here I am getting pulled on by my heartstrings; it's like the longer it pulls, the more I'm caught in the web of blood of love. My own blood, to be exact. The fall seasons always remind me that where their are tricks there is also treats. 

Boo, this is scaring me. I don't want you to play with my heart anymore. Do you understand what that means? You accept the decisions you made, while I also accept the things I decided. Don't haunt me, okay, because I know we're going to be eager looking back from this, we just have to try our best not too.  Now, if you do look back, just think of the ghost you used to face. -Bless

30 Things I Love About You

 1) I love who you are.

2) I love how graceful you are to me.

3) I love how you tie your hair up at night.

4) I love your shower routine.

5) I love how nice you are to others and yourself.

6) I love how serious you take yourself

7) I love how you practice cooking more.

8) I love how you shared what you cook with others.

9) I love how polite you are, even when the world isn't polite to you. 

10) I love how I like to read to myself and others.

11) I love how I express myself.

12) I love how the moment I picked up a pencil, I've never put it down.

13) I love how rewarding I can be to myself.

14) I love how I move away from people or places if my spirit is uncomfortable. 

15) I love how you set your mind on goals and achieve them.

16) I love how emotional you are in front of yourself. 

17) I love how emotional you can be with others. 

18) I love how you heal.

19) I love how you show yourself love. 

20) I love that you take care of your health. 

21) I love how you take risks of trying new things or even new people. 

22) I love how people who are close to you show you love.

23) I love that you never forget who you are and where you come from.

24) I love that you aren't afraid of new challenges.

25) I love your boundaries. 

26) I love that you aren't afraid of love. 

27) I love that you're a dog person. 

28) I love how you read your daily word morning/night to be closer to who I believe in.

29) I love that you love hugs. 

30) I love that you still enjoy dancing. 

Happy Birthday Blessing, being on this earth for 30 years has not been easy, but I sure do make it look easy huh? Thank you to my close circle, who may wish me a happy birthday. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. I love you, Mommy. I am so excited to be this age, shit. I've never been here before, let's see myself do a backflip lol why not?! Seriously, I'm just blessed with the path I'm able to walk on. I would also like to thank my God, Jesus, my Higher Power, because without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. 

August has chilly mornings

 Good evening I know I haven't said anything in a month to be exact you know what though, shorty is in her final week of summer semester of school when I say I am forever grateful, I really am. I bet you been wondering what's been goin on with me besides school girl I've been responsibly outside. Like am I drinking? of course, am I meeting new people? of course I am and have I still consider dating? Yes I am, but much slower let me explain. 

I believe dating is still enjoyable, now I have ran into some women who I've enjoyed for the moment and maybe that's all it was for. Coming to find out what you like and what you don't like, also, finding out what you will and will not accept from anybody because you have boundaries and respect for yourself. Shit it's going to be a lot harder if you don't. 

I've been going for walks in the mornings/afternoons and every time I do I take pictures of flowers. I don't remember the last time I've receive some flowers to be honestly. I do like flowers and yes I can and will buy some for myself but in the meantime taking pictures of flowers has been feeling up my cup. 

Building my community has been a beautiful thing as well, getting close to people who caring for me and those who I care for. Recently I dealt with the reality that just because you born into a "family" those people around don't really make you family no matter if you have the same blood type, down to last given family name. It takes more than love to keep a family let alone a relationship together. 

Maybe it's for the better...

 Good evening you lovely people, Happy June knowing we are already 13 days into this month, how are ya'll doing? Also let me not forget to say Happy Pride month to everyone visible in the LGBTQ+ community. You are seen, you are loved and you are heard. So if you don't know this is how things are going to go I'm going to start of saying with what's been going on around me like what I may be seeing on social media and just everyday reality, then I'm going to get personal and talk about things that have been challenging for me lately, and last but not least some good things I've been doing to take care of myself. 

Ready for this ride? Alright lets go.. What the fxck is going on in mf America?! What the fxck is going on with men? What the fxck is going on with women? What the fxck is going with people and relationships? What the fxck is going on with health, wealth, and life? Man if you think you are the only person going through some type of difficulty in life I AM Personally telling you, you are not. Trust me with everything going on it's like we can't even get ahead but the belief of still moving forward should still be something we all seek to do. No matter what you wake up every morning to something to be grateful for, something that makes you happy and something to be thankful for. Spread that joy to others too. Enjoy life. I can't stretch that enough and you don't need money to enjoy it but it does help I will say. 

Life has been so good to be but also tearin my ass up emotionally, and psychically part of the reason showing yeah bxtch you are getting older some of the shit you do has to change. I know I'm already ahead that like making sure I'm taking my vitamins, making sure I'm going to doctor appointment, put time aside for my mental health and my newest one go see a mf chiropractor. I just seen one this week because I had hurt my hip (trying to do something I haven't done in a while) but my goodness I had to go get my back and hips aligned, after I did it felt like someone had press the reset button on my body I was so tired. Mr. Fox gave me breathing exercises to do at home as well as glute workouts to do. I've also been to therapy recently come to find out I definitely have anxiety and it comes into my life when I just considered normal I guess the feeling on unsettling, trying to put my focus on things when it's not doing me any justice in the present moment so I can be in dis belief with what I'm going through. 

I begin to think to myself about this question, do I have a hard time saying goodbye? Yes, because I don't expect to throw time away like it didn't mean anything however if it's doing me more harm than good then what's the point of keeping it if only one of us is reaping the benefits. The laughs don't fade away, the memories don't fade away, I do believe it's the seasons where we drift apart. No matter what I'll always wish the best for you. 

Alright off to some good reconnecting with myself news, you see this picture of this flower above this? Yeah! I took that picture came to find out I like taking picture of flowers on my phone and something even sending them to people I care about, I reconnecting with myself by going to the park and literally swinging on the swing for like two hours it felt as though I had reconnect with my inner child in that moment and I also practice grounding exercises. Still doing to school thang because no matter what I'm going to see it through my boy. Thank you for reading.