Just in the moment

 Sometimes I wonder why I'm anxious about things that I know I'm already going to do. For example, if I'm planning a trip, I get all of my expenses together, and next thing you know, Boom! A withdrawal from your account that's for your trip happens. Why, for a split second, did I want to cancel it? Like, oh my goodness, they weren't supposed to take all of it! How dare they? Help me remember it's energy, literally everything I put my energy into it's going to come back to me. I just don't like how I be so bent about it. It feels like I have to talk myself down from a cliff, "You spend it and it will be the last time you see it." 

That's a lie, literally. I was getting my nails done today, and I was talking to my nail tech, talking about school and whatnot, and she said that her son said, " I'm scared of being poor." Which is a valid fear. I'm scared of being poor, too. I don't want to be without the things I need. I don't want the fear of running out to rule everything I do. 

That sounds like a stressful way to live right?! 

I step out of my own way and ask my higher power if I'm being hard on myself; my usual answer is yes. That striving for perfection really be tearing my ass up, but being gentle and having discipline is so manageable. Stuck in a culture that makes you feel like you aren't doing enough is so exhausting and depressing. My mom reminds me how well I'm doing, but even with the nice and true words she tells me. What am I waiting for in that moment? 

What is this transition I'm waiting for? HEY, MONEY, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

Did shouting it feel good?! A little bit? Good. Just Breathe and Slow Down. 

You doing good Blessy. 

 

I want to create a storm w/ you.

If you're reading this, you're curious how I'm making this storm, so sit back and relax. 

The location I met you, let's say it's at the library for me, and maybe for you it's the coffee shop, the oral office (get the punch line), or a damn hotel room, whatever. 

I met you in a library, at first we didn't notice each other, honestly it was a regular day for you and a curious one for me. I've never seen this library before. 

So I'm going through these aisles and I saw you and I knew you caught my eye, what was I gonna do to get you to notice me.. Walking up to is to easy and I want to be dramatic- is that your fragrance I'm smelling? 

Mmh, I bump into you and said sorry, we're talking good as things are getting hot, not too much to start a fire, so we cool down and felt the breeze of every last word we said to each other. 

We separated for a minute or two longer, things started to cooler, so I said If you don't mind me being forward, I want to create a storm with you. 

I want you to be my boo even if it's just for a day or two. Let's start a fake argument to get our temps higher, let's kiss in the rain so we can be wetter, then let's throw these wet clothes off so we can get drier by the fire. 

Passion is in the room with us-it's inseparable. Keep fxcking me til I say you're done, and then we're not done because I'm fxcking you too. For the consent of our safety, let's double-check our list. 

Safety word. Check. Rainboots. Check. Raincoats. Check. Goggles. Hell yeah.