Emotions in Silence

 Good evening good folks, how is everyone doing? Another day in this world where we are here wanting to know answer and questions to things that are unknown. God you brought me this far in life and I thank you everyday, I'm thankful for you people in my life who are with me this far, I give my gratitude when even in moments I may have the slightest complaint I still choose to be grateful and thankful. I don't want to give up on faith I'm not trying to but you showed me ways in life where I lean too much on comfortability in one space and in one place, let alone it be a job you showed me before and provided me something better. Let alone my first place I've gotten on my own you showed me before and provided me with something better. You showed me how ready I was for something even when I doubted myself, Questioning God am I ready for this or that and you put it in front even when I didn't feel qualified for it? So what is this now?! The faith of the world is on your shoulders and this may be test and I pray I'm passing. I gotta be passing right? Because I'm still making a way? figuring out a way how to keep my head afloat above water. 

I be building my own stepping stones (as you should) because I trust myself where to place my next foot but something happens to where I'm stepping on the stone and the stones feels more sturdy to where I don't wobble, you make it bigger for me to step more confidently. However, you do so much more than that it don't be enough time for me to tell you thank you. Thank you for the everything. Every small and big things. 

I'm stable in areas in my life? "I believe this what God is saying to me" (You are stable exactly where you need to be, I wake you up every morning to find your passion, I wake you up every morning so you can figure what have I called you to be a vessel too) God am I already not fulfilling my purpose? (If you were my child, your cup would be already full to the rim but you're to busy drinking instead of seeing what I've already blessed you with.) I have seen and I say thank you for it all the time I do but it's not enough. (I gave you everything you need right in front of you, and you want something you don't know it's already in front of you because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it's not there. Be patient and have faith in me.) I have faith I do ... It just when the emotions that aren't sent from you start to arises I do get nervous, I do get anxious, I do get worried and I am scared. I continue to lean on you no matter what.  

Teach me to trust you, draw me so close to you that there isn't no more fear.(1 John 4:13-21) and I know you got me covered (Ruth 3) 

In your name I pray, Amen. 

May .. Be it's time

 Good evening, on this Friday, I hope everyone had a great week or a week better than the last. Man, where exactly do I start? I, guess what comes to mind right? Let me start saying first week of summer semester, and we are starting off strong. I have three classes and they all study something. Microbiology, Psychology & Pharmacology okay, say that three times fast?! Meeting new classmates and seeing some returning ones, it's always a nice feel, I guess it's kind of different from meeting coworkers though. I'll make the effort to talk to my classmate before a coworker, is that ass backwards? Shid ion care. 

I feel like I'm holding back telling ya what's going on with me because I'm scared but at the same time fear hasn't done anything for me but hold me back. 

So I took it upon myself to try long-distance dating, right? I met someone and I thought it was going good but come to find, that person wasn't for me and that's okay because I am the type of person to figure that out. Seeing things through is literally how I have to figure things out. I'm not going to post why that person wasn't the best person for me, but I will say this quote that I've been hearing a lot... It's easier for someone to pull you down than it is to lift them up. With that being said, know your worth and know that you wanted to be treated with respect and how you move muthafckas aren't going to like it, so fxck them, it's not for them too. 

Restore connections. Connections with yourself and other people. I recently restore a connection with a really good friend of mine and I can't explain how whole I feel from that restore connection, it wasn't lost but I feel like moments like these be necessary to go through whether we're not speaking at the moment or things are just intense and need a minute to separate. Don't let go of people who feel like they were made for you.

Alright ya'll lets get a little personal so I experience a panic attack recently and it was scary as shit. I can't explain where it came from but all I know ya girl was overwhelmed and chest was tight, just worried in the forefront of my mind. This week I wrote a letter to my mom about how I feel she handled my feelings, and to be honest, I don't know if she honestly cares because she's from the generation that sweeps things under the rug. Well, what happens when it gets piled too high? Nobody ever addresses that. 

I've talked to my higher power about everything, and I just ran out of things to do. I physically and mentally drain myself trying to have a connection with my father. I'm sorry, I will not be putting myself through that ring of fire for my mother. I love her, I do, but when do parents really start taking accountability? I'm just worn out from our situation. 

Mother's Day is right next door, if there is a women in your life whether it is you mom, grandma, auntie, best friends mom, coworker mom, and to please pray for those who's mom's may not be with us physically but in spirit we haven't for about you and we love you.

 I just want to tell you Happy Mother's Day.